What Are your Rules?

What does it take for you to feel loved, accepted, significant, etc. Do you know? How much, for how long, by when? Do you have answers for these questions? How can you expect others to know if you don't even know for yourself? Do you know how many times per day you need to hear "I love you" How many hugs and kisses do I need in order to feel loved? How many people do you need to tell you that you're doing a great job for you to feel significant? These are important questions, especially if you expect others to meet your needs. I'm sure most people don't stop to think about things is those terms. I never did. I just knew that there were times in my life when I felt totally content and there were times when I didn't. It wasn't until a few years ago, when I came across a Tony Robbins training video that I even considered asking myself those questions. I did ask myself, What will it take to make me happy, what do I need to do to feel content? But I didn't ask in terms of being that specific until I did an exercise in which I wrote down in each category what needs to happen in order for me to feel - loved, successful, content in my career, relationships, health and fitness, spirituality, contribution. Once we clarify what our rules are, we can then get a better picture of how realistic they are and whether or not we can get our needs met. It also allows us to take responsibility for our own happiness and our own well being. What are your rules?

Don't Worry - Be Happy

Let's face it, we are bombarded every day with messages that give is the impression that if we buy the right thing, earn more money, meet the right person, go to a certain place we will be happy. We are taught from a very young age that our happiness depends on some outside source. We make up rules about what will make us happy. "I will be happy when.."  When in fact, we have everything we need to be happy right this moment. It is within each of us. It's within our mindset, not our circumstances that we gain happiness. I'm sure you've heard about people who have a goal, they reach that goal, then go for another goal because they didn't feel happy. It becomes a never ending cycle. Now, don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with wanting to do better and have better. What I am talking about is the perception that people, places or things will make us happy.  There are many cultures in around the world that emphasize finding your happiness within. They are people who have very little material possessions, and yet they have an amazing mindset about what it is to be happy. They live a life of abundance because they appreciate the natural resources around them, they are grateful for what they have, who they are with. Studies have shown that people who have an optimistic outlook live longer, healthier lives. They have a better recovery rate when dealing with major life changes, illness or economic challenges. They have conditioned their thinking patterns to believe that they have all that they need in that moment, and developed a habit of focusing on what makes them feel good. They move and breath in a way that produces a happy state of mind. They don't worry, and be happy.

Responsibility

Oooh! Another bad word! Many of us have the same reaction to the word responsibility as we do when we hear the word discipline. We recoil with a high pitched shrill scream! 

(Ok maybe not quite that dramatic.)

At one some point along the way, most of us have been told, “It’s your responsibility” Whether ‘it’ was keeping track of your stuff, being on time, completing chores, your children, the list goes on. 

How many of us were told “It’s your responsibility to express your feelings in a healthy way.” or “It’s your responsibility to take care of yourself in regard to your physical health” “It’s your responsibility to express your needs” – physical or emotional. (If you’re reading this, I am assuming that you are old enough to feed and clothe yourself.)

 Oftentimes we expect others to be able to know what our needs are, or we expect them to take care of things for us. But in reality, it is up to each one of us to take responsibility for our own well being, our own lives. It’s up to us to use our big girl or big boy voices, not to blame others, but to communicate in a healthy way and take action to care for ourselves. Very often we don’t do that for fear we will be ignored, rejected or we won't get our fair share.  Then resentment builds, then there is a breakdown, and possibly an explosion…

For some of us, it may be difficult to figure out what that looks like. So today, I’d like for to take the first steps in the process and ask yourself – What do I need to feel (fill in the blank) examples – healthy, loved, accepted, content, significant, valued. Then begin to look at whether or not you are being responsible to yourself and others in meeting those needs.

Pass it On

Ever since I was a young girl, I wanted to help others. As an adult, I have done the same. Through Robbins-Madanes I am certified in Strategic Intervention & Relationship Coaching. I am in Lisa Nichol's Motivating the Teen Spirit Workshop Facilitator Program. I became a Reiki Master and I've done some work with Holistic Harmony. All of these programs and all of the books and tapes I have studied have not made me a perfect person, or one who has all their 'stuff' together. I have been able to make great strides to break the destructive patterns of my upbringing and those I developed growing up. I am still a work in progress. It took me a while to find the right path. I strive daily to stay on it.  I have a good understanding of behavior patterns and I've picked up some effective tools along the way. I believe it is my responsibility to pass it on. Each of us was created for a purpose. Find your path, learn to stay on it, and help others to do the same. Be your best. Do what you do best. Share it with the world around you.
 

Discipline

Many of us consider discipline a bad thing. We associate it with being punished or restricted. Yet for many people, discipline is a means of getting what they want out of life. To them it means freedom. Successful people aren’t just born with a special gene. People who are successful in reaching their goals do what they need to do each day in order to get the results they want. Having a lack of discipline means that we don’t take the steps required to achieve our goals.  We can be disciplined in some areas of our lives and lack discipline in other areas. We have stories about why we haven’t reached our goals. We make up excuses for why we don’t get to where we want to be. To be successful people, we need to know what we want, why we want it, and what it takes to get it. We need to let go of our stories. We need to make a plan and commit to it. We need to turn our 'should's' into 'must's'. Then we need to be disciplined to do what it takes each and every day to carry out that plan.

Hustle & Bustle

In all the hustle and bustle of the Holiday Season, we often forget to stop and focus on the real reason for the season. We are so busy with trying to figure out how to fit all the extra shopping and parties, and stuff we buy, it’s easy to lose sight of the real reason for the season.  We spend more time looking for the extra money in the budget to buy all that stuff than spend focusing on why we do it all.

For Christians, it’s a time to reflect on the wonder and majesty of our Creator. No matter what our religious beliefs are, this time of the year is a perfect time to reflect on how we have spent our time and with whom. It is a time to take a look at how we spent money and other resources. It is an opportunity to put a little more effort into making sure we are creating the best reflection of who we are to the people around us. Let’s not get so busy with all the stuff on our lists that we forget to stop and appreciate all the blessings in our lives.